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CA Acquires Itself In Freak Accident

After a long series of arduous and confusing negotiations, it was revealed by the SEC that Computer Associates (NYSE:CA) had accidentally acquired itself on Monday. "This has never happened before," said Bentley McDowell III, a spokesman for the Securities and Exchange Commission. "The only thing that I can recall that was as bizarre as this is when Howard Hughes bought out a company with the money in the company's own treasury."

Charles Wang, CEO of CA, when informed of the situation, was reportedly so enraged that he immediately fired everyone, including himself. A CA company spokesman, on condition of anonymity, explained: "Charlie always fires everybody after an acquisition. Only this is the first time he ever had to fire himself."

When news of the acquisition became public, CA's stock immediately plunged, while at the same time it went up. Wall Street brokerage houses were in turmoil over the news. "I'm advising my clients to buy, sell and hold," said Harvey Muntz of Merrill Lynch. "You can't really go wrong that way. Plus, it's great for commissions."

The chief negotiator for CA, Myron Blippstein, Esq., explained how it happened. "I don't know how it happened. We were trying to buy out a company that it turns out we already owned and in the confusion, they acquired us. At least I think that's what happened."

Financial experts were divided over the acquisition. "I think it will be good for CA," said Steve Forbes. "Now that they are a subsidiary, they don't have to show a profit."

Physicist Steven Hawking disagrees. "It's against the laws of physics," he complained. "You can't be a subsidiary of yourself. That would like trying to lift yourself up by your bootstraps. It could trigger an economic black hole."

Friends don't let friends buy CA. Friends also don't let CA buy friends.

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